Blessings are fully bloomed in my life, so how do I keep missing that?
Today I have been thinking about what is good in my life. I spent the last few weeks harboring a rather sadistic and pessimistic attitude. That was really making things gloomy around my house. Everything has been a nuisance lately as a result of my attitude.
I feel like God is helping me wake up from this silliness. I do not even quite know what I have been thinking. Yet suddenly, I realize how many wonderfully exciting and beautiful people and things I am engulfed by in my life! And all of the reasons and sources are found in none other than God.
The first wonderful thing on my mind lately is that I celebrated my birthday yesterday. I have been able to live long enough to stuff another year under my belt. I am thankful that my life has been as long as it is thus far. I am thankful for all of the wacky, exciting, and even painful twists and turns that have led me to where I am today. Although I get discouraged or blinded by minor frustrations and difficulties sometimes, much of what I have right now is what I used to plead and yearn for in years past. I wanted someone to love me. I wanted something to believe in or to find God. I wanted to escape the feelings of oppression and entrapment. I wanted to belong somewhere. I wanted to feel at home. I feel so much better now. I feel that God did hear my prayers and cries. I feel free from much of what troubled me before.
I am loved. My sweet husband, Angel, is appropriately named. As cheesy as this may sound, I feel like he is an angel to me. He is always taking care of me. He tells me he loves me every single day, and I know that he genuinely means it. We have not worn out our lovingkindness. I know that he would do anything for me. I know that I would do anything for him.
Being with him makes me more happy than almost anything else. I always enjoy talking to him. We are always laughing together. He makes my heart happy.
I am also loved by my tiny daughter. She does not know many words, but she still manages to express how much she loves us without all of the grandiloquence. Whether it is kisses, hugs, laughter, or resting her head on you, she makes you feel very special. We are lucky to have her. We are blessed that she made it through the traumatic first few days or her life. She is so healthy, bubbly, and happy now, and this is beautiful. As I care for her day to day, she drains and uplifts me all at once. I cannot describe how exhausting chasing her can be. Yet I also cannot describe how much light, learning, and love she pours into my day. I do not even deserve this little wonder.
The greatest days of my life are certainly right before me. I am always downscaling and downplaying the significance and excitement of right now. I often act as if a day is simple, boring, mundane, or even mediocre. I am often extracting gratitude. I instantaneously strip days of potential and rejoicing. I have the people I love the most in my life. I am constantly under the eyes and ears of God, who I trust loves me very much. I have nothing to fear. The days are here for the taking! I can spread good things. I can give love. I can shed light. I have opportunities to do good, and this is what I am certain I long for. I long to serve, help, mend, and bless. I feel that God intended for me to do this. I want to do that. I want to bless others. I wish I did not sometimes forget this. Sometimes I become selfish and self-centered, and I do not want anything to do with anyone. I am certain this causes a fit of discontentment and depression. Yet I live for these moments when I wake up!!! Forget the lies and excuses, now is the time to love others and embrace the good in life! Now is the time to express gratitude to God by letting my daily life be an expression of what he has taught me.. and what his grace stirs up in my heart.
Oh my,
The little of activities of the day are special even when I forget that they are. Washing dishes is a reminder that I have food to eat and plates to eat them on. Changing a dirty diaper is a reminder that I have a healthy, growing little girl in my arms. Cleaning the toilet is a reminder that I have running water and sanitary living conditions. Aching all over and yawning more than I thought a person could is a reminder that God is growing a beautiful little life within me, a person that we both love so much already. Picking up long forgotten dishes and littered work socks is a reminder that I have a husband that I love more than anything right before me. Washing clothes is a reminder that we have clothes on our back, and the means to keep ourselves warm and clean. Diffusing a mortifying toddler tantrum is a reminder that I have a beautiful, learning, growing, and all the while, vulnerable little girl that I am here to teach, discipline, and nourish into a healthy, positive woman. Taking little Bam Bam out to fertilize the earth is a reminder that I have a furry friend who loves me very much constantly at my side. He is newly discovered source of joy and companionship to little one.
Whether I go to the grocery store or the mountains, I want to enjoy all of the beauty around me. I live in the Pacific Northwest, and it is drop dead gorgeous here. I want to make the most of the time that I have here by exploring and enjoying the beautiful scenes only minutes, miles, and hours away. I have never seen sights like those that I see here before. I am so lucky to see all of this, and especially to share it with my love. The excursions I have went on recently have been very special. We visited Mount Rainier National Park again. We made another fun stop in Seattle. We visited the bridge of glass. Our most recent boat ride was on a perfectly cloudless day. We have seen more waterfalls and rivers. We may even explore Oregon coast again soon. I have made lasting memories. I have taken photos that will never be forgotten. I will have stories to tell my children and grandchildren one day.
There is a lot of unknown in my life right now, and this feels a bit overwhelming at times. We are supposed to move to Germany. We have a little one on the way. We do not know if we will move in less than three months or if it will be later. We do not know if our plan may be recreated altogether. We do not know if our destination may change. We do not know what the next steps are in our life quite yet. We have to wait and continue to follow a snail process that is far overdue to get more information. Yet I will stay confident that God loves me, and that God will guide us through this as we seek Him through prayer. God knows right where I am. God knows just how I feel. God knows exactly where I am going. I can be thankful for the blessings God has saturated my life with.. right now. Today. Right here. I have more than I need, because I even have things that I want.
I hope this post finds you all well. I hope you can count your own blessings today. Even the frustrating or hard things might simultaneously be a reason to be happy. Keep smiling friends. You are loved, special, capable, and valuable.
Soul of Eva 