Chasing God

I have struggled with aggravated mind battles since I was a child. I was in battle even as a tiny girl. I remember feeling so much confusion that I couldn’t even speak sometimes. My mind was always racing. I remember sitting in my bed all night trying to decide what my life was – trying to understand what normal might be. My little corner of the world had some problems, both of an internal and external nature. My most memorable recurring dream from this time period was a vision of myself staring at my face as I am struggling to scream, speak, and even breathe. I am wringing my neck so aggressively you would think that I might choke myself.

My intention right now is not to analyze my dream or childhood, but to paint a quick portrait of my mind from the beginning. I am trying to convey that I have always had an overactive mind. I have battled overwhelming fleets of anxiety and depression since I was very young and small. Most of my thought consisted of the value and meaning of life and existence in all aspects. Curiosity has always been a major root in my personality and mind.

When God came upon me for the first time, my existential battle was transformed. I no longer wonder where meaning comes from. I do not have to worry about if life is worth living – or if I should just give up while I can. I know God is real. I felt God’s very real and very comforting Holy Spirit. I know God is the hand of existence – the origin, creator, purpose, meaning, and end. I feel a sense of contentment and peace simply because I know. I should say that by knowing and continually believing I thrive and survive.

Yet now, my battles are a bit different. Now, I know how and why I live. I know the source of love and peace, and I know how to pursue it. And that is the new beginning – working on HOW to pursue it. God calls all of us to erase “I” and to live a life of service. In order to follow Christ we must become like Christ. We learn that to do this we must let go of the focus and attachment to our own selfish selves and the cold world. This is where I and many like myself struggle. I often feel like I peak at God’s grace. I feel that as soon as I have blinked a cloud as dark and as heavy as stone swooshes between us. I feel like being with God is simple, and that is what is so hard about it. We need to stop letting the world get between ourselves and God. We especially need to stop letting ourselves get between ourselves and God.

Everyday I think I want to work for God. I desperately want to study his word, practice his principles, and write about my findings. I genuinely want to get to work. I want to serve God in my own unique way – by writing, communicating, and pursuing others. However, I always seem to tell myself “later.” Even with my desire to create eating me alive, somehow, “later” is always an option. Surely I can be a good person tomorrow. Surely I can mail that letter tomorrow. I have all the time in the world to write in my journal. There’s no rush – I can start focusing on my relationship with God in a few days, when I have more time. I want to make some sacrifice in my life and become closer to Jesus, but it doesn’t really have to include tonight too. I just want to relax, and I really need some me time. What’s the rush? I can just pray a really good prayer tomorrow – it will make up for this past week. Does it really have to be now?

I have one thing to say about these dangerous little thoughts – time is precious. We live our lives like they are not going to end. We all seem to assume our days are without end. Yet reality is that we may die at any moment. And our value is that which we gained through our bonding with God. If we do not act and walk in the light of godly service, we remain empty and depressed. Our time is limited. We should all act, create, and share as if our talents are melting like ice cream under the blazing July sun. We are as capable now as we will ever be. Our opportunity now is more perfect and absolute than it will ever be. Tiredness is not a reason to wait to live. In death you will never be tired again. Would you prefer death?

Society pushes to normalize life as a simple and regular day to day activity book. A day is simply a list, and the basic requirements and needs remain the same. Yet the opposite is reality. You are on an astonishing planet with a trillion opportunities and an unknown window of time to make things happen. We should always act as if we are running a race. This is what God wants for us. We were each uniquely and lovingly blessed with a talent and a drive, and to let it simmer is to betray God. We all think we only have to focus on our work, school, family, health, and the list goes on. We think we just need “me” time and things will feel peaceful again. If we keep letting distractions get in our way, we might die before we live as our loving God geared us up to live.

The time for action is now, now, now. Mail some letters about your faith, give a poor man a Bible and a meal, mend your relationship with that relative that you’re always feeling annoyed at, take a load off of that person who is always struggling… be a blessing in someone else’s life. God is the embodiment of love. Therefore, to become closer to God, you too must embody love. Give and love so diligently and so extremely that you feel drained of all ideas, energy, and money. Surprise others with life saving acts of compassion and messages of God’s greatness. Spread the knowledge and love of God ceaselessly.

You should use your talents to bring the love that is God to everyone you possibly can. You should not let the world distract you from doing what matters. I challenge you to pray endlessly, and once you have prayed, act, create, and share without any end. God is your inspiration, motivation, content, and reward. God rewards us if we do not give up. Do not let your day become consumed with empty aspirations and pursuits. You should strive to shift your focus away from appearances, substances, foods, sex, people, shopping, and anything that is a product of the world. Of course you should appreciate life, God tells us to enjoy the beautiful and seemingly impossible existence he gave us. However, only set the constant devotion of your heart and mind on striving toward God above. Because as Jesus tells us: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” [Matthew 22:37-38]

Therefore, if the cloud that is like a stone gets in your way, grit your teeth and trust in God. He can move it for you. You must only trust in him and focus so that the world and its evil distractions do not consume you. We must remain confidently aware that the sun remains even when heavy clouds are upon us. This is the glory of God.

This is the message God sends us in our physical world. While there is dark, there is light. While there is fire, there is water. While there is hate, there is love. While there is evil, there is God. You must rest assured that part of the lesson of this life is that God triumphs all else. Our perfect God endlessly demonstrates his existence in our lives, and we simply choose not to notice anymore.

I pray a prayer for all of you in this life. I pray that you choose to work for God, because his pay and benefits surpass all others.




2 thoughts on “Chasing God”

  1. Why is your god more real than the other 3000 that humanity has invented. Someone of a different faith could have just as much belief and religious fervor as you. Does that make their god true as well? Just because you have vehemence doesnt make it any more true.

    The fact that you are christian is mere coincidence. I am assuming that you have christian parents and grew up in a christian household. If you were born a hindu family, you would be hindu, if you were born in a Muslim family, you would be Muslim. If they had been of any other faith then Christian you wouldn’t be christian. Why would an all powerful god be subject to mere circumstance? You will probably teach your children to be Christian as well, if you hadn’t taught them to be christian, would they still follow that faith? Of course not, people’s religious beliefs derive almost entirely from their environment, those who raised them. So what religion you are is really only based on circumstance and environment.

    There is just as much empirical evidence for your faith as there are for all others. Yes you have the bible, but other religions also have other religious books, all with their own miracles and divine acts written in. Yes you have faith, but people who worship totally different gods can have equal faith. You stand on equal footing as any other religious person in terms of evidence, why are you any more correct? And more importantly, why would you believe in something with virtually no evidence? That is the literal definition of faith, a believe without evidence. A belief without evidence is completely unjustified and unwarranted. Yes you can’t disprove your God, but that doesn’t mean anything. You can’t disprove Shiva, you can’t disprove Thor, you can’t disprove that a teapot is somewhere floating in the cosmos.

    All you really have is an argument from ignorance, argumentum ad ignorantiam. And as the person making a positive claim (the assertion of something), you have the complete and total burden of proof. Because you have no evidence for your positive claim, the negative claim rules. That the assertion lacks evidence and should be disregarded. That’s just hitchens razor. No evidence for god, throw away the theory.


  2. Dear Jackson,

    I see that you have asked me to moderate my article, Chasing God. I must inform you that by “moderating” my article I would simply be lying. If I were to take out what YOU think is silly or what doesn’t make sense to YOU, I would be denying what I believe in. I cannot “moderate” my beliefs or feelings simply because you feel otherwise. The same is true for anyone else who may counter me on this topic. I am sure that you feel the exact same way about your own thoughts on this, because the comment you crafted was very detailed and specific. I actually would like to thank you for taking the time to be so honest and thorough in sharing your own deep feelings and opinions on my article.
    But again, how can I “moderate” what I believe in? I cannot “moderate” my opinions and feelings to make you more comfortable or satisfied.

    I do agree with you that some people are a certain religion because of their environment. I think that sometimes what people believe truly is due to what they are surrounded by, sometimes. If something is the only thing you know, then it’s probably the only thing you believe. It’s the same with the once held belief that the earth is flat, or anything similar.

    However, I would like to crush your assumption on my childhood and life. I did not grow up in a Christian household. I stepped inside of a church a mere handful of times in my entire first eighteen years of life. My parents did not attend church regularly and were not devoted to religion. I’m not saying they don’t believe in anything, but I was not taught anything if they do. Therefore, my being a christian is not coincidence. I made a CHOICE to be a christian. I made this decision based on my personal experiences.

    I would like to tell you that my experience was entirely alone. I do not believe in God because I went to a church, convention, meeting, parade, party, or any such thing. I do not believe in God because I read a pamphlet, book, article, or even the Bible itself to be honest. I had never read much of anything from the Bible prior to my experience. I understood very little to nothing at all about Christianity before my experience.

    This is what happened to me:
    I was driving in my car. I began saying words. I began to say I guess what I know now is a prayer. I began to say things like “God, I have never really tried to talk to you seriously or acted like I believe in you or what you do. I have just never felt sure if you’re real or not. I feel like there’s something, or maybe you’re something, but like I just don’t know how or who you are. I don’t know you, but I know you’re there. I’m sorry I have been like I have in my life. I really wish I could take some of these things away” A song was playing in the car, this song was one I knew because of a friend who killed himself. I began to say words of hope for this person in their death and in their afterlife. I began to say out loud that I hope they are okay and their sorrows are over. I hoped that they are in heaven and they are forgiven for their suicide. I also began to speak about my dead grandmother and how I miss her and hope God keeps her well in heaven. I relayed regret on not knowing her better and having a better relationship with her. Within moments, I suddenly felt like I was being touched. I felt like there was this heavy warm feeling on my back, like I was in the sun or being hugged by someone. I felt so happy and so peaceful. The Holy Spirit was heavy on me. I was in such awe I cried. I kept crying. I yelled and pleaded for forgiveness and for me to start my life over. I said a million things that I cannot explain now. I don’t even know where they came from. I kept crying though, and I prayed and cried for a long time. I felt God’s spirit that day. You can call me crazy or delusional, and I bet you will. But I am going to tell you that what you think about it does not make you right. I felt a real presence. A presence more heavy than you and me. It is hard to describe it to someone who doesn’t want to hear it, but this world is not just you and I.

    You’re in God’s world. You’re in God’s galaxy. You’re in God’s universe. You’re in God’s entire web of existence. You say that I don’t have “proof.” Maybe I don’t have the kind of proof that you’d like. Proof is defined as “evidence or argument establishing or helping establish a fact or the truth of a statement.”

    My argument to help establish the truth of MY statement now is that existence should be impossible without God. Regardless of what you think, this is what I firmly believe. If you are too closed minded to believe it, fine, but know that is what ignoring this makes you – close minded. Something came from something. If there was nothing, nothing would come from nothing. There would be not a single trace of anything. Existence is enormous. From the nucleus deep inside of cells deep inside of us, plants, and the air around us…. to us being a literal speck on the planet in the Milky Way in the universe… to the universe being literally so full of unique stars, planets, and everything in-between…. to the universe being an unknown size. We literally don’t even know if the universe has any ending. Tell me how anything exists. When I say anything, I mean any WHERE, WHO, or WHAT. Imagine if nothing existed. Imagine that there is not even empty space. Imagine there is not even a big void. Erase everything in your mind and close your eyes. Try to take away your awareness of your space. When you close your eyes stop seeing the color black and thinking it would just be a big black empty space. Imagine nothing would be at all. Not empty space, not stars, not a thought, sound, color, or even the trace of a single thing. Now tell me how something came. Tell me how a big bang happened. What elements of anything were available to make a bang? What cell or bacteria existed to begin evolution? THAT is what doesn’t make sense. Why do we have feelings, speech, and ideas? Tell me how you have everything from an eyelash to a butthole to a rib cage to hold those organs in? Tell me how earth is so uniquely filled with every kind of plant and animal anyone could ever imagine. Tell me how we are just far away and close enough to the sun to survive. When you look at pictures that maybe NASA releases, and you see absolutely spectacular and colorfully breathtaking clusters of galaxies and stars… why do you limit that to coincidence? YOU are the one who believes in coincidence. You throw that word around like cheap pearls. YOU believe in coincidence. YOU think it is COINCIDENCE that somehow the universe made itself up out of NOTHING and maybe an explosion happened or whatever your theory is, I don’t know – but you think things COINCIDENTALLY happened on their own. How can a thing that does not exist create itself? You might turn this question around on me.
    But let me tell you something, you are starting to see that your proof is the same as mine. Our proof is a matter of what we choose to see, it is a matter of choice, regardless of what anyone else says. This is regardless of what even the biggest, baddest, smartest, and most distinguished scientist or scholar in the world could say.
    Theory is theory. Theory is a supposition or a system of ideas intended to explain something, especially one based on general principles independent of the thing to be explained. A supposition is an UNCERTAIN belief. Synonyms include – IDEA, NOTION, SUSPICION, GUESS, FEELING, HUNCH, ASSUMPTION, PRESUMPTION.
    Guess what?
    The greatest scientific explanation in the world… again, from the SMARTEST, BIGGEST, BADDEST, and MOST DISTINGUISHED scientist is a GUESS, IDEA, ASSUMPTION, FEELING, SUSPICION, and the list goes on. No one knows exactly and precisely HOW we exist.
    We can argue all day long with garbage human ideas and hunches, but let me tell you something. I felt the Holy Spirit. I felt God. God is as real as you and I. God is as real as the device in your lap. God is as real as your biological mother, father, sister, brother, or whoever your family consists of.
    Guess what else? I am not alone. You can look this up as easily as I can, but “as of 2010, Christianity was the world’s largest population, with an estimated 2.2 billion adherents, nearly a third (31%) of all 6.9 billion people on the earth” – Pew report.
    So there are over 2 billion people, just like me (and note that not all of these people are Christian because of their family, but they are Christian because of an independent experience, WHICH I WAS)… so these 2 billion people all believe hey, there is GOD. Not A god, THE GOD. THE I AM. ALPHA. OMEGA. A major fraction of the world’s population, many that even you and I don’t know of becoming a Christian because of an independent experience, not because someone showed them or told them to be… these people believe GOD made this universe. A large fraction of people on the universe LIVE their entire life (and we know how precious life is to people like us) devote their everything to GOD. Guess why? Because GOD is real and people have felt the real presence of GOD.
    If you ran a trial and you decided after reading this or something similar that if so many people know God, and if you research the miracles God has done in the lives of so many people. I’m talking about the freaky out of this world things that a billion different plain Janes and Joes tell us about… And if you changed your heart and decided to lay down your vast depression and loneliness and emptiness of thinking nothing exists, and what does exist is by chance of random elements somehow floating around and going boom together, and admitted that GOD is here, I KNOW that even YOU would experience God just like I have. Just like billions of other people have. I don’t know your life, and I don’t know who you are or what you have gone through. But I know you have walked through a lot of things. You have seen a lot and done a lot and learned a lot. Somewhere along the way, your heart was sealed and you ran away from all the whispers and winks of God. But God exists. I am going to pray for you, and even if you don’t care, I am going to. I am going to because God is real, and God is going to show you that one day. I promise you more than anything in this entire world, I PROMISE, to you, to this person you are that I don’t know. I promise God will show you he exists. Whether it is now or later, in life or in death. One day you will KNOW.
    When depends on you.

    If you want some additional off the wall and miraculous personal experiences of God working in my life, my own personal experiences, my proof, here are some examples:

    I have had severe migraines since I was a tiny girl. They are very painful. A couple of months ago I decided to go to a doctor about it. He ordered an MRI. Well, at this same time is a while after I experienced that stuff in the car with God. Like two days after I was told I was getting an MRI I went to a church in my city for the first time. In the middle of the church service, the guy suddenly stopped. The man said that 24 hours ago (probably around the time I said, okay tomorrow I will go to this one) – he said that 24 hours ago God told him someone would come to his church today. This man said God told him someone would come to his church for the first time who had really bad headaches or migraines, and that we should pray for that person. You can call that coincidence all you want, but guess what? I won’t. It was God. God was speaking to me through this man. I won’t mention the fact that some time before my MRI I felt a strange warmth like healing on the back of my head, but yeah, next story.

    I also have a recent story for you. I have been getting random ideas that because I like to write maybe I should start a WordPress account. I never use my laptop anymore or write, now my newborn is a little older, so I thought maybe it’s time to get back in the game. Great idea, right? Well I decided “maybe.” I prayed about it. I prayed to God by asking him to lead me to do what he wants me to. Then two days ago I was staying up late writing in a new journal I bought for the very first time. I was actually writing, well, what you read. I always listen to Youtube on my laptop which is connected to my TV when I’m reading or writing. If my laptop shuts in to rest mode it literally cuts any and all sound off and won’t play any sound on the speakers. This is what happened, like every other time. Youtube had been off for 30-45 minutes. It was in rest mode too, which means nothing was going to play. All sound always gets cut. All of sudden, as loud and as startling as ever, my TV surely malfunctions, because sound is playing.. an advertisement suddenly booms “START YOUR WORDPRESS BLOG TODAY! Check out for 50% of all domains! START YOUR WORDPRESS BLOG TODAY!” Then a song starts to play right after that. The song is called Papercut by Linking Park. Go read those lyrics if you want to be even more creeped out. My heart beat out of my chest for half of that night. And no, I hadn’t researched WordPress on my laptop, so I don’t know how that got there if that is your first thought. All of this just happened. It happened even though it’s not really possible for it to play sound like it did either. I also know that a presence came upon me when I was writing after this happened too.

    These things happened to me. I’m sure you could come up with reasons they happened that you will say are independent of God. That’s cool, but I know the truth. There are a million other things happening that are even greater and happen to people all over the world.
    There is one pretty cool story I know that might shock you. There was a man named Stan Gerlach who was well known for being a Christian and speaker in his community. Google his death. This man died at a memorial service when he was sharing things about God. He fell over and died instantaneously in the middle of this memorial service. This is what he was saying when he died: “You never know when God is going to take your life. At that moment, there’s nothing you can do about it. Are you ready?” This man said that, sat down, fell over, and died right in front of everyone. Everyone did all they could to save him. There was not a single person who could resuscitate him. If you don’t believe me, research this man. I didn’t make it up. It’s a fact. After this happened practically every Christian blog, news site, and Facebook page ever shared it. So if you just Google it, you will find it.

    God is here in our lives. God is doing so much for the world. If you walked in to a church tomorrow and told someone to help you believe, you would probably hear a ton of individual testimonies. There are billions of people in the world who have had God do things for them. My husband is even one of them.
    My husband for a fact experienced this:
    He is a mechanic. He was working under an enormous truck a year or two ago. He said he was underneath it and all of a sudden, it felt like someone grabbed his foot and tapped his shoe. He pulled himself out from under the truck to see who was there. Well, guess what happened next? No one was there.. and in that instant, an enormous piece of machinery collapsed right where his head had just been. You can’t explain that other than say it was God’s grace. My husband could have died.

    Just because you think faith is all a joke and you don’t get it, that doesn’t mean God is not real. God really is here. God really shows his presence in so many ways, and we just struggle to see it.
    When you plug your ears and close your eyes, don’t you know that you’re still there? When you can neither see nor hear yourself, don’t you know that you still exist? That there’s still a me? Don’t you know that even though you never met George Washington, he still existed? You can’t hear or see him, but do you doubt he ever existed? The same is with God. You personally can maybe not quite see or hear God right now, but that doesn’t mean that God does not exist.
    Think of God in the same thought process as you might George Washington. You see traces of the good things he did for the United States, but you just don’t see or hear him anymore. THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE DID NOT EXIST. The difference is that god is existing in our lives right now too, doing things, because God will always exist. It’s a bit different but the thought process should make you think.
    God has always existed and will always exist. This is why things are. This is why everything is so beautifully, perfectly, and intricately created. You and I can’t wrap our heads around that. We always want to ask how? Even I do. But we will never know that part. God just is, and our little human minds will never know everything. We are not meant to know everything, regardless of what you or I think. It is not our place.

    Let’s say that you see a mystery cake randomly on a table and you eat a slice. You think oh my goodness! This is the GREATEST cake I have ever tasted! I love it! It is my cake! I know how it was made! I know why it was made! Surely I can guess these things – I’ll do a taste test so I can figure out the ingredients! I bet I can come up with a logical reason it was made too!!! (Similar to how all scientists approach the universe)….
    Well surely it was flour, granulated sugar, egg!!! Hm…. well that’s as far as I can guess, but surely that is pretty much it. Let’s say it was actually flour, brown sugar, milk, coconut oil, cinnamon, and a ton of spectacular additional things this person did not know of. Let’s say that Jane Doe made it for her brother Tom and sister Sue to surprise and celebrate Uncle George’s birthday with. You didn’t know that. You had no clue.. and you ate Uncle George’s cake assuming it was for you.

    You’re never going to know exactly how God made this universe. He gives some clues in the beginning of the word, but it doesn’t relay every little detail. You’re also never going to know exactly why God made this universe. We just have to decide to assume God did it because he wanted to and he loves us, and maybe it’s some reason entirely different and unique than we can come up with too. We are never going to know everything. You know why? Because this is GOD’S CAKE. You keep taking a bite out of this life, and saying me, me, me!!!! Mine, mine, mine!!! I know, know, know!!!! But it’s God’s cake you’re talking about. His recipe, his party. You’re an outsider who is a walking and talking presumption.

    I would also like to say that this was all simply about my personal feelings and thoughts on how God has touched my life and in what way I feel inspired to live because of God. I guess maybe you found me based on asking for feedback though. I appreciate your time nonetheless. However, you also do not have evidence to provide an argument against God’s existence either. I wonder if it is because you don’t know. I wonder if it is because you cannot. Science will never be able to fill in some blanks. The root of science is observation and experimentation by the human mind. The human mind will never become bold and capable enough to observe God, who surpasses all human beings. God’s word tells us not to lean on our own understanding, because there’s still not a single intellectual ladder in the world that we can build that will reach the eye of heaven.

    You can pat yourself on the back all day. You can tell yourself that I only have an argument from and I quote from “ignorance, argumentum, and ignorantiam” – but that’s not true. I have an argument from my heart and my soul. I have this argument because I know with all of my being that I am right. I know that God is with us, and God will always be as he is. I am bursting at the seams with the conviction of my heart. If you choose to go on in the crooked jungle of the world in your own ignorance – satisfied in thinking that humans know all that there is, and thinking that the only meaning of your life is to do whatever and then die and go nowhere… then that is very, very, very sad. That would mean that your entire life is pointless. Who cares what you do or how you act? Gratify yourself and your desires until you suddenly die, and then who cares what happened? That is an awful lifestyle.

    You need to recognize that all of the instincts and desires that you have to love other people and to do good in the world…. all of the instincts to make this life matter, and to work really hard to create positive traces of yourself on the earth… that does not come from you. It was not your idea. It was not the idea of any man.
    God implanted us with the seeds of love, because God is the embodiment of love. This is our gift from God.
    If this were not true, we would be like the apes and monkeys that evolutionists believe we derived from. There was no superhuman off the wall mutation that suddenly made us beautifully intelligent, loving, creative, excited, motivated, and driven creatures. God gave us this little seed of love and joy.
    These seeds of great feelings and ideas did not come from our evolution from anything. It came from God, because we were lovingly made and gifted by him.

    You can ignore these things if you choose to, but you really need to think about what you are saying. Because you are more than a monkey who picked up words, ideas, and talents. Your parents, siblings, spouse, children, or whoever you have… do you look at them and think if they died it would never matter how you all lived together and what you did? That is very sad.

    I hope one day you change your mind, because God is life and God is love. God is peace and God is joy. The experience of life is that it is a selfish, cruel, and cold world unless you know God. I know this because before I experienced God, I was very depressed, very suicidal, very empty, and very anxious. There was nothing that made me feel like things would turn out. I was always lingering on luck and maybe.

    Well “good luck” to your luck, maybe, and scientific observation and experimentation. There is no certainty in that.

    Good day, thank you, and God bless you.


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